Untimely #11 - Is That All You've Got, Tolstoy?

Donald Donald Donaldson, the self styled ‘Russian Imitationist’, has finally unveiled plans for what many have already been calling the artist’s ultimate work. The entire undertaking, collectively entitled ‘Is That All You’ve Got, Tolstoy?’, is expected to consume Donaldson’s remaining years and will see him attempting to improve upon every major aspect of the famous Russian author’s life.

            While some wary naysayers have called the work both preposterous and impossible, the wheels have already been set in motion to overtake the peaceful patriarch’s perfection. Scottish émigré Donaldson is already engaged to an as-yet-unnamed Romanian Princess, a marriage which will elevate him to the position of Prince, outranking Tolstoy’s own meagre post of Count by leaps and bounds. The princess is also said to be pregnant with the first in the couples planned brood of twenty-five, ten of whom are intended for slaughter during adolescence, thereby outstripping the author’s renowned prowess and his capacity for grief by more than two to one.

            In his statement to the press this morning, Donaldson confided that he had already begun drafting the most inspirational, realistic and lengthy novel in the history of history itself. When pushed for any actual details of this literary behemoth, he would only say that such was its intended majesty, that “if Hitler had read it back in the day, he’d have stuck to painting instead of being a massive bastard.”

            Further details of the project are enshrouded in secrecy for the moment, although when questioned as to how the artist intends to compete with Tolstoy’s lifespan of 82 years, Donaldson whispered into his microphone, “I’m going to live forever.” He then gave a salutary tug of his beard, rose, and left.

‘Is That All You’ve Got, Tolstoy?’ officially opens next week, wherever the artist happens to be.