Sunday, 9 October 2011

Untimely #24 - Spider-Man and The Giant Lynx Aerosol Man

I’m wearing my Spider-Man outfit and I have to fight this giant squid, except my suit’s too small and rides up around my waist so my paunch pokes out and I get a bit of a builder’s bum if I bend down too quickly, but Helena says it’s fine and I’ll defeat the giant squid easily. How? I say. You punch it. She says. Hard. She says. Punch it? I ask. Yeah. She says. In the face. I punch the giant squid hard in the face (it has a face) and it is easily defeated. We celebrate by going and doing a dance in the forest. I hope that we see a bear and then loads of really, really real cartoon bears come from behind the trees and they are limping and they are really annoyed, not because we woke them up but because they can’t dance because of their sore paws. And cause they’re hungry. I give them each a hot dog and this just makes them more cross cause they wanted ice-cream. We run away back to where the giant squid was but now Giant Lynx Aerosol Man is there. Where is his face? I ask. There, underneath his nozzle. Helena says. It’s the Pringles Man’s face. She says. Has he stolen it? I ask. I don’t know. She says. Maybe they share it or maybe they are non-identical twins. I punch him really hard in the face and he starts crying but this is not the same as easily defeating him, so we run away again. It turns out that if we want to escape this bloody honeymoon I’m going to have to make some new wings for the London Olympic Stadium. I am really, really worried about this because I’ve never made new wings before and, although I know the basic physics, I’m not confident that I’ve not just remembered it all back to front and we’ll end up burrowing into the ground rather than taking off into the sky, in which case Giant Aerosol Man will definitely get us. Luckily, the wing problem turns out to be really easily solved cause we find some brand new wings just hanging around the back of our tent and they’re really friendly and even agree to fix themselves onto the stadium for free. We board the stadium and it turns out that inside is our wedding reception, but it is being re-enacted by all the cartoon bears from earlier and it’s like they’re doing it just to take the piss. I start punching them really, really hard in the face but this just makes them turn really, really cross and really, really real and not at all cartoon and then one bites me and then the dream ends.

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