Showing posts with label Untimely #22. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Untimely #22. Show all posts

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Untimely #22 - Still Life


The artist has been booked at short notice, cancelling another lucrative appointment to be able to take this job. It is not every day that one has the opportunity to be involved in something so grand. As we all know, a person is only inducted into the Philosophical Hall of Fame once every fifty years. But now, for the first time in PHOF’s illustrious history, two men being are invited in at the same time. This is a momentous occasion, particularly so for the talented young painter who has been invited to capture the two men in portrait fashion, as is the custom. Naturally she is a little nervous, but no less confident in her skill.

Day1.
The door opens and Carlos Irwin Estévez floats into the studio on a large, well-controlled cushion of ball lightening. He is in the lotus position, his hands folded in his lap. He glides at the pace of thick chocolate for, as he explains to the artist, if he were to move at his regular speed, she could lose consciousness – he already knocked eight men out in the foyer. Journalists! He goes on to say that when he first fell to this planet he reached such extreme temperatures whilst at terminal velocity that he was engulfed by a fireball a city block wide, and he wouldn’t want her to get hurt.
As she begins mixing her colours, capturing that blend of navy, seal’s skin, and spiderwebs for his loafers, she asks about when he first realised that he was so much more than average men, that he was truly major league. He starts by calling her ‘Sparky’, and she is unable to concentrate on anything else. As he talks, a platoon of tears march, single file down her cheek, engaging on a mission to capture just one hundredth of his brilliance. His is a new way. While conventional humans represent an idea with the switching on of a lightbulb, Sheen deals in planetary hotshots, solar flares, black holes.
They are together in her studio for fourteen hours. He does not move, but he is not still. He vibrates, a million tiny nuclear explosions occurring at any one second, somewhere in there. By the time he leaves, the young artist is worried that she has been blinded, having stared at the sun for so long. Almost immediately, she begins to mourn his passing.

Day 2.
Thomas Alan Waits starts to arrive at 4 am. From that point on he does not stop arriving. The Tom’s bump into themselves, hustling around, big time. They jaw with each other about foreign affairs, ménage à trois, and height-speed ratios of jockeys. The artist is at points exhausted, curious, frightened and infatuated. The Tom that wears the sunglasses asks her about her daddy and her granddaddy and what her momma does for a living. The Tom with the movie camera points at her easel and asks what's she gonna spend her blood money on. She says she’s being paid but small change for this job. It’s about honour. Three Tom’s start to well up.
Finding it difficult to get a handle on them all, the artist decides then and there to paint this subject in two colours only: deep red, like a collective heart attack, and vine green for their ghosts.
At precisely six o’clock in the evening the remaining Tom’s group together in the middle of the studio and begin to shift about uneasily. The artist wipes her hands and asks what’s up.  She’s told that it’s almost closing time. She points out that it’s only six o’clock but they are already jangling keys, putting on hats, mumbling see you around’s, glad to know you’s, catch you at the soda fountain… She blinks and they’re gone. The artist wipes her hands on her apron, lights a cigarette and fetches a broom. 

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Untimely #22 – Won

Dinner was at eight, they came twelve-thirty for twelve the next month of the next century. “Appointments” are for pussy cats. Dressed head to toe in ermine with baby-seal-skin boots and more guns than the NRA.

Charlie brushes the menu aside, smashing a crystal punch bowl and feeling for his smokes. Tommy’s already been sober and drunk and sober again and then drunk again and now even drunker since breakfast. He growls hello and Charlie just nods, chewing on a cigarette and sizing up his tablemate as he licks flecks of tobacco from twixt his tiger fangs.

Hey horsefucker bring me a drink Charlie spits and the maître d’ scurries to the kitchen. From between its double doors come six liveried bellhops pushing an enormous oaken barrel on a trolley. Barrel so big you’d need a helicopter and a crane and a troop of volunteer boy scouts just to turn it upright. They leave it on the trolley and the maître d’ fills two flagons fashioned from the skulls of Viking chieftains with a liquid the color of molten steel. It smells like a jungle cat’s lair and tastes like a highway covered in lava and left for an ice age. Charlie pulls six skulls without a breath while Tommy inquires after the freshness of the prawns. Charlie’s lip curls so far into a sneer his left nostril flips right.

After dinner the waiters cover the table in three hundred pounds of tobacco leaf and set it alight while twelve serving wenches fan the flames with a giant bellows. The winners discuss their artistic principles:
“I’m not interested in what people believe, I’m interested in what I believe, and that’s the truth, that’s what rules me.”
“You put yourself in some kind of a trance in order to receive certain songs, you know it’s like setting a trap for a song, it’s like fishing or anything else, you have to be real quiet to catch the big ones.”
“I blinked and I cured my brain.”
“I think what I try and do is write adventure songs and Halloween music.”

While Charlie huffs, Tommy sings to him of the anger of Peleus’ son, a fourteen-hour epic chanted and growled and barked in dactylic hexameter. Six hours in he loses his place and starts again. Charlie’s eyes have glazed over and the only sign that he is still awake is the occasional grunt of harmony during choruses.

At dawn a gray sun creeps above the smoldering wreckage of the table, stippling, speckling, flecking the shards and assorted debris, cracked lights and crack pipes, tea rolls and obetrols. The sky darkens and lightens and flashes with the force of a galaxy breathing its last sigh, a long, slow hiss that builds to a deafening roar, a holy ghoster tornado, and then all is totally, completely and forevermore black. Gentlemen, goodnight.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Untimely #22 - Winning

- Yello Rita. You’ve news of a real bug-eyed ding-dong taking shape on the red carpet. Do tell Sugar Tits.
- Thank you, Don. Reports are coming in of a gen-u-ine Tom and Jerry fracas brewskiing between Mr Sheen and Mr Waits following recent artistic differences. Rumour has it that both sides are ultimately willing to settle this feud in a “Rock-Paper-Scissors” style showdown. Our reporter, Goodison Hotcock, is on the scene.


The boulevard pink with dawn hush. Willows of light sloping over the edges of buildings. The road spidered with cracks pocked and ashy from years of traffic already bleeding under the new sun. On either side lines of plane trees cast a cullis of shadows. Then the distant rumble of something the trudge of a hundred footsteps a guttering clarion the yips and yam-yams of beasts. At the western end of the boulevard a single panther stalks over the crest of the hill a single white panther on its back an alabaster women red-eyed and naked a banner in her hands snickering in the morning heat: “Deviance is the metaphor for sanity.”


Ask her what it means. What it all means. What does it mean? What in hell can it mean? Mean? Meaning is for pussycats. Meaning is for the neuron obsessed payday plastics – the breakfasting herd, man. Meaning is losing and we are not about losing.


A hive mind of albino porn stars ebony prostitutes mulatto strippers bleached Geisha. More banners. Our skin is heroic. Welcome to existence, intra-terrestrials. Mortality, what? Overdosing is über-winning. I am a magic. I am Charlie Sheen. I float above them all using my amazing powers of telekinesis. Look at you down there – flaccid, dull-eyed normality tots. I’ve got lips like a portal to HELLA-ville. You lose – suit-wigs. I’m firing on Goddess time and you gum gum GUM. Kiss it. The end. Period. The E.N.D.


Scuffing the east ridge of the boulevard long shadows leaking from two silhouettes in the early sun a slow piratical puppet show with the horizon as their stage. The first, white dry hair straggling from beneath a black wide-brimmed hat face sinking in lost kindness like a gold-rush corpse, plays a reedy march mournful on a makeshift whistle fashioned from the quill of a raven’s tail-feather. Behind him the protégé now master - gimlet eyes grinching chimplike under a pork pie hat. His left fingers clack together two grey stones. His right fingers grip the cone of a megaphone to the pug of his lips.


I’m what you get when you let cats and dogs mate -
A flurry of fur-balls and loveliest hate.
Born in a jailhouse, bred on the run
My teat was the desert, my rattle a gun.
I’m what you get when you stud goats and monkeys -
A circus of brawlers, drunkards and junkies.


The whole scene as some unreadable tract of writhing hieroglyphs pitted alien and seething, or else a palimpsest tapestry of shifting surfaces and frayed threads, or still an image scorched and blind in a tryst of time and light its burnt and shrivelling forms curled under the white-hot shadow of its own existence.

- Thanks Goodison. Please keep us updated. Don, back to you.

Untimely Stimulus #22

Hello Charlie Sheen...


Meet Tom Waits...


How will you get along?