Untimely #8 - The Big Fight

What a kerfuffle! What a furore!

For two fledgling fighters forging for glory,

With a flurry of fists, gruesome and gory,

In this Heffalump-Hardman-Bruiser-Babe Story!

One dances like an elephant, and stings like one too,

(He’s the Tiddlywinks Champion of Edinburgh Zoo.)

In his last major bout he was laid out in Round Two,

By a vicious left hoof from Gnigel the Gnu.

His foe is a featherweight who’s yet to be weaned;

No need of a gum-shield for this toothless young fiend!

He crawls round the ring, the scrappy wee chappy,

Snubbing shorts and tough gloves for bootees and a nappy.

The Pachyderm Pugilist parades the red corner;

In the blue the Newborn looks far more forlorner.

Eyeball-to-eyeball, awaiting the bell

For this Babe-on-Beast Ding-Dong, this hand-to-hand hell.

DING! DING! The bell rings and they meet in the middle,

And as they touch fists the tot titters and giggles.

Nelly honks, horrified, “What you chucklin’ on, Punk?”

If the toddler could talk he’d say, “Your ridiculous trunk!”

The mute little muppet snorts and guffaws,

And the dumbfounded crowd rise up in applause,

At the ticklish tactics, the peculiar plan

Of this pint-sized poppet, this diminutive man.

Thunderstruck Nelly, riddled with doubt,

Glances about him and wrinkles his snout.

He blinks with bewilderment and blushes bright pink,

But in the midst of his snivels, he sniffs a foul stink.

And so...

It comes to him whilst pondering, “What is that I smelt?”

The baby, in his giggling, has relaxed below the belt!

So trunky chops chortles as though he might explode;

The stench of baby’s ‘Rocky II’ has him totally K.O.’d.

Both fighters on the canvas, both out for the count

From the sucker punch of laughter; the tension starts to mount.

No punches thrown, no footwork shown, both boxers on the ropes,

The ref, slouched in the middle, has given up all hope.

The crowd get on the ref’s back, “C’mon sort it out!

We came to see a boxing match not a Ho-Ho Ha-Ha bout!”

The ref takes a spotty handkerchief and dabs his sweaty jowls,

Then leaps the ropes and swift elopes, throwing in the towel.

The bums on seats leap to their feet; they see the funny side,

They hoist the fighters high in joy and decide the match is tied.

The moral of this story is that everyone’s a winner

Especially when all involved make it safely home for dinner.

Untimely #8 – An Early Memory

They were all sitting at the table when I came down. In the kitchen with the lights on in the middle of the night – I knew it was strange because the light was so orange, so rich and thick like syrup, not like daylight, nor like the evening light of after dinner. It was heavy and dark, the light, and they were sitting around the table crying. I took the stairs slowly, sleep-eyed, trailing my bear along the steps. I came down the last stair and turned down the hallway and I could see them all at the table around the telephone. My mother had her back to me and her shoulders were shaking and my aunt was holding her, but her face was hidden, too. Silently I walked toward the kitchen, the hall carpet threadbare and familiar under my naked feet. They were crying, all of them, the women of the house, and yet it was so quiet. I stood in the door in my pajamas, holding the jamb with one hand, the other holding my bear.

Untimely #8 - THE TRUNK or GOGOL GAGA

“Did I ever tell you about my cousin, the circus chap, goes by the name of Major Kovalyov?”

“Actually no Nikolai, my dear fellow, you did not. What’s so hot about this cousin anyhow?”

“Please, my dearest Denniski Paulovich, don’t get your wind up about it; ‘tis nothing but a trifle of a tale which I felt might amuse you, but if you’d rather I didn’t…”

“I am sorry good sir, you must forgive me; I’ve a touch of the gas today and as you know this puts me in the very foulest of tempers. I beg you, continue with your yarn.”

“Very well. It so happens that my cousin, the Major, who is a relatively well respected Circus Elephant, awoke one morning some weeks back to find himself in something of a pickle. His trunk, you see, had quite simply vanished into thin air, leaving him with nought but a smooth, flat surface between two tusks. Very un-gentlemanly indeed.”

“Indeed!”

“Indeed. Though ashamed to be seen in public, not to mention terrified of losing his job, as are we all, there was nothing for the poor fellow to do but wrap a large scarf around his face and go off in search of the dastardly thing. Thus attired, he could claim to have a severe cold should anyone stop him, thereby avoiding upsetting anyone with his face, now so freakishly bereft of trunk.”

“Quite.”

“Quite. So off he blunders, straight in the direction of the Ringmaster, hoping to enlist his assistance in the search, when who should he spy but the very trunk which had fled him in the night! Furthermore, the blasted proboscis is trying to pass itself off as a snake in the hope of securing employment with the circus under its own steam!”

“Well I never.”

“And neither would I. Fortunately the ringmaster must have seen through the trunk’s elaborate ruse and turned it away because, after spending much of the day and night searching for the brutish protuberance, whipping himself almost to the point of frenzy, Major Kovalyov awoke the following morning to find the wicked thing right smack bang on his face again! The poor fellow was so relieved he almost wept. He actually went on to give the three best performances of his career that day, and has since been sent a number of very promising job offers for next season.”

“That is super! But still, and do not take me as being ungrateful that you shared this ridiculous story with me dearest Nikolai, but it is just that, isn’t it? Ridiculous?”

“Why of course it is, beloved Denniski, of course it is. Nevertheless these things do happen, and I believe it important to not to lose sight of such ridiculousness.”

“How true, my friend. How absolutely perfect.”

Untimely Stimulus #8