UNTIMELY #24 – A cat, for once in your life...

I’m not saying it was a nightmare, but I was definitely asleep. There was a cat, and it was sitting next to me, and I was sitting down, too. We were looking at each other, the cat and I, me and the cat. I mean, I was looking at the cat the way maybe you look at a mailbox. It’s there, you see that it’s there, but at the same time you don’t see it; you don’t really care; it wouldn’t change your life one way or another if it were suddenly to disappear, cease to exist. But the cat was looking hard. I mean hard. And it was giving off a strange energy; it suddenly seemed to awaken from this stupor of indifference and all at once it really, really minded that I was sitting right next to it. Like it found my presence actively offensive. I wasn’t doing anything. Just sitting there. Next to it. But the cat was getting madder and madder. It wasn’t moving yet either, but I could see it in its eyes, could see the anger building and building. And I could see that there was going to be some shit. The cat was kicking off. And so I sat there, watching it.

I was wearing a t-shirt and a black armband about halfway up my forearm. Maybe someone had died, maybe I’d been playing tennis. Maybe I was in a rock band. I have no idea why I was wearing such a thing in such a place.

The cat looked at me and it looked at my arm, bare save for the mysterious armband. Then it straightarmed me, with claws slightly extended, which I think is the cat equivalent of slapping someone around a little bit, just trying to get the feel of the situation and everything. Letting them know you’re upset, but sort of buying some time while you figure out what you’re gonna do. It sort of patted my arm and its claws stuck in the terrycloth of the armband and I thought this was funny but this made the cat really mad. Like even madder. It started swatting me harder and harder but it kept hitting the armband and its claws kept sticking and I just sat there, not moving, keeping my arm frozen immobile stiff. The cat got madder and madder and then it started scratching my arm above the band, and still I didn’t move. Then it started clawing my hands and biting my fingers. I could feel that something was happening to me, but I wouldn’t quite say that it hurt. It was more like a strange sensation, and I just sat there while it went crazy.

When the cat finished and ran off, I stood up, and it was only then that I realized that the warm, wet stickiness between my fingers was my blood. I was dripping bright red hot everywhere and the cuts and scratches and wounds on my hands were really pumping out all over the place. A woman walked past and when she saw my hands and the red all over the ground she started screaming, but I didn’t know what to do. It still didn’t hurt much, but the blood was pooling in my cupped hands and I was making such an awful mess.

I don’t know how it ended, but next thing I remember I was in a basement with low ceilings jousting on a papier-mâché horse.

Untimely #24 - Spider-Man and The Giant Lynx Aerosol Man

I’m wearing my Spider-Man outfit and I have to fight this giant squid, except my suit’s too small and rides up around my waist so my paunch pokes out and I get a bit of a builder’s bum if I bend down too quickly, but Helena says it’s fine and I’ll defeat the giant squid easily. How? I say. You punch it. She says. Hard. She says. Punch it? I ask. Yeah. She says. In the face. I punch the giant squid hard in the face (it has a face) and it is easily defeated. We celebrate by going and doing a dance in the forest. I hope that we see a bear and then loads of really, really real cartoon bears come from behind the trees and they are limping and they are really annoyed, not because we woke them up but because they can’t dance because of their sore paws. And cause they’re hungry. I give them each a hot dog and this just makes them more cross cause they wanted ice-cream. We run away back to where the giant squid was but now Giant Lynx Aerosol Man is there. Where is his face? I ask. There, underneath his nozzle. Helena says. It’s the Pringles Man’s face. She says. Has he stolen it? I ask. I don’t know. She says. Maybe they share it or maybe they are non-identical twins. I punch him really hard in the face and he starts crying but this is not the same as easily defeating him, so we run away again. It turns out that if we want to escape this bloody honeymoon I’m going to have to make some new wings for the London Olympic Stadium. I am really, really worried about this because I’ve never made new wings before and, although I know the basic physics, I’m not confident that I’ve not just remembered it all back to front and we’ll end up burrowing into the ground rather than taking off into the sky, in which case Giant Aerosol Man will definitely get us. Luckily, the wing problem turns out to be really easily solved cause we find some brand new wings just hanging around the back of our tent and they’re really friendly and even agree to fix themselves onto the stadium for free. We board the stadium and it turns out that inside is our wedding reception, but it is being re-enacted by all the cartoon bears from earlier and it’s like they’re doing it just to take the piss. I start punching them really, really hard in the face but this just makes them turn really, really cross and really, really real and not at all cartoon and then one bites me and then the dream ends.

Untimely #24 - Castrol GTX

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Untimely Stimulus #24

It's sort of a wedding theme this time around. Last weekend I went to a lovely wedding and had a super time. Next weekend is a stag do that fills me with both trepidation and excitement. the following week my wife has a hen party to attend. Two weeks later, and it's the second wedding for the month of July. And someone I work with has just got engaged! So it's everywhere. Deal with it.
I myself am fortunate to be married already, no longer a part of the games of love. Nonetheless, I constantly have anxiety dreams where my wife is incredibly mean to me in a variety of ways. She is not really mean to me, not like this. She's awesome. I just pretend she's horrible in my dreams. It's sweet really, if you think about it...
Anyway. Yes. This Untimely is dedicated to weddings. And love. And nightmares.