Untimely #17 - Totally Boned.

Before climbing the fence behind my ex-wife’s place, I have one last check to make sure I’ve got everything I need. In my pocket is the copy of her backdoor key she doesn’t know I made, and in my backpack is a selection of the most vile and disgusting pornography money can buy, together with some children’s underwear, which I purchased yesterday. That son of a bitch thinks he can waltz in and steal my wife, adopt my kid? We’ll see what the cops have to say about that…

I also have with me a hunk of meat so enormous that my arm gets tired holding it. This meat is laden with poison. Thinks his fat dog can keep me getting back to my family? Think again, bucko.

I climb the fence, and draw a breath. I whistle, and somewhere a dog barks. I jump down into the garden.

I see the dog, it’s face so close to my own that I can feel its hot breath, smell the food in its teeth. It barks, but I see this in slow motion; the lips quiver, the teeth reach out, the fat around its neck wibbles. I laugh. I am a lion tamer. “You’ve got nothing on me fido” I yell. “That’s where you’re wrong buddy” the dog tells me. “Oh yeah, how’s that, moron?” “Because I’m sitting on your chest, asshole.” Yeah right. As if, dog. Think you can stop me ruining a man’s life with porno…

When I come to, the nurse explains that I have broken both my ankles in the fall, and that I also have two cracked ribs. The police then ask me to explain how I came to be found unconscious in my ex-wife’s garden, with a sack-full of pornography, some children’s underthings and a mouthful of poisoned meat, with a 50 pound dog sitting on my chest? “I was doing it for my kid” I explain, but neither says a word: one of them just let’s out kind of an ‘uh-oh’ kind of whistle. I’m pretty sure that somewhere, in the distance, I can hear that damn dog barking.